No One Can Know
by ogeemattyb
Summary: Dave is trying to figure out how to be himself. Maybe he can with some help. This Fic runs parallel to It Began with a Dream. Krave all the way!
1. Chapter 1: Finally

A/N: This is a fic that runs parallel to another one I wrote. It began with a dream. IBWD is from Kurt's perspective, while this one is from Dave's. I have so many ideas running around in my head that I have to get them all out. I hope you enjoy both of my fics and remember that reviews are like candy for the soul. and they help me to know that You guys like what I am writing.

I do not own Glee because If I did, things would be done a lot differently!

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><p>Chapter 1: Finally<p>

I cannot believe I just did that.

I just kissed a guy for the first time.

I just kissed Kurt Freaking Hummel.

Why did I kiss him? What was I thinking? Now he knows. He knows that I am…

How could I have done that? All I remember is him storming into the locker room, and then he was yelling at me. And his words hurt. They were true, but they hurt none the less.

Something must have snapped in. I never would have done that, let my guard down so easily. I don't know what it is about him but I just can't stop thinking about him.

He was my first kiss. And I took it in fear. What the hell am I going to do now?

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><p>That night when I get home I am a mess. I go straight to my room bypassing my mom in the kitchen. Once there I close the door and I start pacing back and fourth.<p>

After about ten minutes there is a knock on the door. "Yeah?"

"Honey, it me. Can I come in?"

I go over and sit at my desk and make it look like I was working on some homework. "Sure, come in ma."

She walks in, comes over to me and kisses the back of my head. "Everything alright sweetie?"

"Yup, everything's fine."

I think she can hear my clipped tone and she knows that I am lying through my teeth, but she doesn't push it any further. "Okay, well you know that if you need to talk, I am here."

I just nod my head, fearful that if I open my mouth to say anything at this moment I will spill everything to her and I am nowhere near ready to do that.

She starts walking back out the door and right as she steps over the threshold, I turn and barely above a whisper, "Mom?"

She turns, "Yes?"

And I just walk over and give her a hug. She is quite a bit shorter than my 6' 1", but she is the one who tightens the hug and makes it so I can't breath. This is exactly what I need. She doesn't know, but she is making this a lot easier to deal with.

"Are you sure you're okay sweetie?"

"Yeah, mom, I will be just fine."

"Okay, well dinner will be ready at five, make sure you wash up and do your homework."

"Yes, mom."

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><p>I haven't been able to think straight since yesterday. I have so much running through my head. I just don't know what to do. So I cover it with being extra scary today. No one can know what is going on. No one can know that I kissed the only gay kid at McKinley yesterday.<p>

That is when Kurt and some prep school kid come walking up the stairs as I am walking down. All I can think is oh great, they are going to try and give me an intervention. Well that ain't happing.

The prep school kid walks up to me and says, "Excuse me?'

Of course I have to keep playing it cool. I can't let them shake me and loose face. I still have a reputation to uphold after all. "Hey, lady boys. This your boyfriend Kurt?"

It looks like prep school is going to be doing all the talking. "Kurt and I would like to talk to you about something."

Of course you would. I know exactly what is running through your heads. It was has been running through mine for the last twenty-four hours. "I gotta go to class."

"Kurt told me what you did."

"Oh yeah, what's that?"

That is when Kurt finally says something instead of just standing there looking like… well, "You kissed me."

"I don't know what you're talking about." I have to feign ignorance. How can I admit what I did to him, if I can't even admit what I am to myself?

"It seems like you might be a little confused, and that's totally normal." This has caught my interest. I am confused. I mean I know what I am. I just can't accept it. How could I? If I did then I would end up just like Kurt. Taking slushie facials, and getting kicked around by the same people I call my friends. I can't deal with it, so instead of facing my problems, I just keep walking. "This is a… a very hard thing to come to terms with, and you should just know that you're not alone."

I can't deal with it. I don't know if I will ever be able to. But I can't right now. "I… I still have no clue what you are talking about."

I turn and keep walking down the stairs and through the corridors. I go to one of the only places in the school where I don't have to worry about any of the drama. Where It can all fade away. It's the control box for the auditorium. No one ever goes up there in the middle of the school day. I found it once when I was wandering and it has become a hid-a-way for me. Not even Az knows about it. My secret. One of them.

I wish I could have the courage that Kurt has. He walks around this school like he owns it and that we are all just meaningless pawns that should be groveling at his feet. Even though he is the one on the bottom of the food chain.

He knows who he is, and he isn't afraid to show it. I want to have that kind of courage, to have that strength. But I don't. Instead I have become the school bully. The one who picks on others for being different. If they only knew that I pick on them because they can be what I can't. They would all laugh at me.

The tears start to fall from my eyes before I even know they were there. I quickly wipe them away and compose myself. I can't go out into the hallways with tears stains and red puffy eyes. I have to keep up the façade. No one can know. No one.

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><p>The next day I am down the hallways looking for any potential 'victims'. I have to keep any suspicion off of me and throw it on to anyone else I can. I know that I have to make Kurt keep my secret. Maybe if I confront him about it I can scare him into it.<p>

But I don't want to scare him. To be honest I don't want to keep hurting him. But I don't know what else to do. If I don't go after him the guys will think that I am becoming a 'fairy' and then I will start getting harassed.

So when I see him standing at his locker staring at something he has put up on the door, I really am left with no choice but to push him again. Some of my football friends walk up and join me so I shove him and I turn my head to watch him fall and see the look on his face.

Later, my insides will twist with guilt. And I wont be able to stand myself. But for now I high five one of my buddies and make some lewd remarks about fags and how hot that cheerio is in her uniform. The conversation goes down from there and I say what is needed to keep up appearances. But really all I want to do is to go back and help Kurt off the floor and apologize to him. To tell him how amazing I think he is and that I wish I could make up for all the wrong I have done to him.

But that wont happen. Not for a long time. Because I have a secret and no one can know…


	2. Chapter 2: Guest64

A/N: make sure you guys read the fic that is from Kurt's side of things. They share some events but some are unique to them. So get both sides of the story! And don't forget, reviews are like candy for the soul!

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><p>Chapter 2: Guest64<p>

This week has been tough.

I don't know where I stand with myself anymore. I know what I want, but I can't bring myself to let me have it.

After that kiss with Kurt, I know that I am… Gay. It is still hard for me to say it, even just in my head. I don't even think I could say it out loud. I still really haven't had a real conversation with Kurt since the preppy came with him to try and talk to me. I am not sure if I want to talk to him, or if I just want him to disappear.

If he was just gone then I wouldn't have a constant reminder that I am not only lying to myself but to everyone around me.

No that's not true. I would have myself as the reminder. You can't escape who you are. It always catches up with you eventually. But for now, I am going to continue the way I have been for the last year. No one can know. It would ruin everything.

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><p>I pass Kurt in the hall and then head for the bathroom to find a freshman in there. So I decide to have a bit of 'fun' with him. He is pretty scared, and I don't blame him. I am scared of myself. I finally get him to leave the bathroom and that is when Kurt walks in like he owns the place. I Finish my business and then I notice that he checks under the stalls and goes over and locks the door.<p>

"So pushing me around isn't enough is it? You have to go and yell at innocent bystanders?"

There is nothing I can say to the truth, but of course I have to try, "Whatever, homo." I turn to the sinks, but I know that my face betrays me. I am disgusted with myself. I can't hide it.

"You know you don't have to get violent. Even if you aren't ready to accept yourself doesn't mean that you have to go and take it out on everyone else."

I know that, but I don't know what else to do. "What would you know about it?'

"I know plenty. I know that it is hard to tell others. I was being picked on for being gay before I even knew what it meant. I deal with it everyday and I have never once lashed out on someone else because of my own personal problems. I find that talking about them to someone helps immensely."

"Yeah, well I am not telling anyone, and you better not either." My voice gets louder at the end giving more of a command rather than a request. He needs to know that he can't tell anyone.

"I won't tell anyone. I think that you should do that at your own pace. But I do believe that you should talk to someone. There are hotlines and chat rooms. They are completely anonymous, and you can start to get the help you need. If you won't talk to me, at least talk to someone."

"Like I said," I take a few steps closer to him, "I am not telling anyone, and you better not either. Not if you know what's good for you."

I push past him bumping his shoulder, probably a bit harder than I needed to. He is only trying to help after all. I unlock the door and slip out into the crowded hallway.

Why can't I accept his help. I need it. I am floundering more now than ever. He has been through what is going on in my head. He understands that I am fighting myself. He is the only one besides preppy that knows my deepest, darkest secret. But I still can't seem to let him help me.

All my walls are up and no one is getting through them. No one can see the real me.

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><p>I get home that afternoon, and after thinking about it for the whole last period at school, I decide to get online and find a chat room. Maybe Kurt is right, and maybe there is someone out there who I can talk to.<p>

I go straight up to my room, no one is home so I don't have to worry that anyone will walk in on me looking for a gay chat room. I find a site, and go to look for the different kinds of rooms there are. Then I just decide to go to the Ohio room. If there are other kids out there who can relate to me I doubt they would be in New York. But a kid from Ohio would know what's up.

I fill out the bare minimum that is required for the profile and then move on to choosing a name. I need it to be generic so that it wont give anything away about me. Just in case there is someone on here who I actually know. Guest64. Its generic enough for me, but still kinda personal. it's the year my mom was born.

After my name is accepted I sit in the chat room for five minutes watching the other people chat. My hand hover over the keyboard but I am unable to type anything. Then a new name pops up and the others leave. Now is it is just me and Bound4Broadway. He must be one of those swishy gay guys. Or maybe he is something like Kurt. Then he sends me a message.

Bound4Broadway: Hey.

At first I just stare at the screen. Then something comes over me and I am finally able to type again.

Guest64: Hey, how's it goin?

Bound4Broadway: Not bad. How are you?

Guest64: I've been better.

Bound4Broadway: Really? What's up?

Guest64: I am not sure that I am ready to talk about it…

Bound4Broadway: That's ok. Why don't we start with something easier. Are you really from Ohio?

Guest64: Yeah, u?

Bound4Broadway: Yes, born and raised.

Guest64: Me 2.

Bound4Broadway: So what kind of stuff do you like to do? Movies, sports, music?

Guest64: Well I really like older movies, like Casablanca, Singing in the Rain, and Gone with the Wind. But most people who know me would just assume that I like violent action movies, no one has bothered to ask.

Guest64: I listen to all kinds of music, but I love crooner music. Anything like Frank Sinatra or Michael Buble. But again most people who know me would probably assume that I am all about country music, or some kind of rock.

Guest64: As for sports, well I like them.

Bound4Broadway: But…?

Guest64: But nothing, I like them and I play them. They aren't all that define me.

Bound4Broadway: I never said they did. But maybe others do?

Guest64: Sometimes. I play for my school, and everyone sees me as the Jock, but I am more than that. It's just no one chooses to see that. I get mostly A's and B's, I like to read, and sometimes I even write. But no one knows.

Guest64: I admit that I hide some of it. I am not out. And sometimes its just too easy to use the 'Jock' as a barrier to hide everything that could potentially make me seem less, well less straight.

Bound4Broadway: Ok, so are you comfortable with who you are. When you look in the mirror are you okay with who you see?

It takes me a minute to think of a response. How do I feel when I look in the mirror? I hate it. I se a monster. Someone who was warped by circumstances. But it is still all my fault.

Guest64: Before, yes. Now….

Bound4Broadway: Well then you have a chance to change that. You are the only person who gets to decide who you are. If you choose to change, you will. I know it won't be easy, hell, its going to be hard. But if you are willing to you can.

Guest64: Maybe. I'm just not sure that I am ready.

Bound4Broadway: You just have to go at your own speed. Take your time. Until then if you like we can continue to talk.

Guest64: I think I would like that. But I do have some obligations so when can we talk next?

Bound4Broadway: I also have some after school activities, How about Wednesdays. I am usually free after 4:30.

Guest64: Works for me.

Bound4Broadway: Well, I would love to stay and chat some more, but I hear my dad calling, so I will talk to you on Wednesday.

Guest64: kk

Guest 64: Thanks

Bound4Broadway: Anytime. J

He signs out. A lot of what he said made sense. It also goes along with what Kurt said. I have to go at my own speed. That is like a snail's crawl at this point, but I guess if that is what it takes, then that is what I am going to have to do.

Then there is a knock on my door, and I quickly close the window so I wont be found out. And look at the clock. It is past five already. I was talking with him for quite some time. "Come in."

"Hey sweetie, how was school today."

"Hi mom. Same stuff different day."

"Okay, well I am going to go and get dinner ready, make sure you finish your homework."

"Will do."

She starts to walk out the door and I want to tell her so badly, but I can't bring myself to do it. I am still too much of a coward. I know that I will tell her eventually, but I hate lying to her. She is the nicest person I know and wouldn't harm a fly. If she knew what I have been doing to the other kids at school she would be so disappointed in me.

Instead I turn back to my computer and clean out the history, so if someone goes snooping in my computer they wont know where I have been.

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><p>The next day goes along just like all the ones before. But today I am starting to have a break down. I find myself in the control room a few times throughout the day. Then I go there after school. I need a break from everything. I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and that if I don't get some relief soon I might crack under all the pressure.<p>

When I hear people start to enter the auditorium, I sneak a quick peak through the window. It's the Glee club. They must be running practice in here today. Well I guess that means I am suck. There is no way I can leave without everyone being able to see me.

Then Rachel and Miss Holiday, one of the subs that is around every so often, are up on stage and it looks like they are about to sing. And the song is pretty amazing. It's Chicago. Not one of my favorites, but my mom loves it.

After they are done and the applause dies down, everyone leaves. Except Kurt and Quinn. Since when are they all buddy, buddy? I can't really make out what they are saying, but by the look on Kurt's face I think it is me they are talking about. Kurt has a minor freak out about hooking up with the first gay he met! He can't be talking about me!

Then Quinn says something that calms him down. And his cheeks go a bit red while the rest of him goes pale. Then I catch a small bit of the conversation.

"Someone kissed me."

"What! Who?"

"I can't tell you, its not my secret to share."

"Kurt?"

"I'm ok, or at least I will be."

"Why are you so shaken by all of this?"

"Because… he stole my first kiss. The first kiss that really mattered."

… I stole Kurt's first kiss. My emotions are so mixed up at this point that I am not sure if I am happy or completely depressed. I never meant to take something so precious from him. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to see him in pain. I have screwed everything up. I keep making mistake, after mistake. Nothing I do will every be able to make up for the damage I have caused.

Then I am pulled from my thoughts by some exquisite voice. I take another look down to the stage and Quinn is gone but Kurt is singing. There is no music, just his voice. His amazing voice. How could I ever have made fun of the glee club, when they can do something so wonderful. I am enthralled. All I can hear is him singing. And I can feel every ounce of emotion that he has put into this performance. He thinks that he is singing to an empty auditorium. But he is singing to me.

_Talking to myself and feeling old_

_Sometimes I'd like to quit_

_Nothing ever seems to fit_

_Hanging around_

_Nothing to do but frown_

_Rainy days and Mondays always get me down_

_What I've got they used to call the blues_

_Nothing is really wrong_

_Feeling like I don't belong_

_Walking around_

_Some kind of lonely clown_

_Rainy days and Mondays always get me down_

_Funny but it seems that I always wind up here with you_

_Nice to know somebody loves me_

_Funny but it seems that it's the only thing to do_

_Run and find the one who loves me_

_What I feel has come and gone before_

_No need to talk it out_

_We know what its all about_

_Hanging around_

_Nothing to do but frown_

_Rainy days and Mondays always get me down_

_Funny but it seems that it's the only thing to do_

_Run and find the one who loves me_

_What I feel has come and gone before_

_No need to talk it out_

_We know what it's all about_

_Hanging around_

_Nothing to do but frown_

_Rainy days and Mondays always get me down_

_Hanging around _

_Nothing to do but frown_

_Rainy days and Mondays always get me down_

It is after his performance that I now know two things to be true. One: I need to make a change in myself, and start acting like an adult rather than a teenager. That I have to accept myself and move on with my life. And two: I am in love with Kurt Hummel…


	3. Chapter 3: Good Morning

A/n: There is some singing in this episode! **Bold is David**, Underlined is His mom, and regular text is both of them. Please remember to read and review! Let me know what you think!

Also I do not own Glee. If I did, things would be very different!

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><p>Chapter 3: Good Morning<p>

So the last couple of weeks have been hell on Earth, and a sort of redeeming salvation all at once. I have been talking with B4B Wednesday evenings. I have learned a lot about him, but I am still holding back. I want to share more, but I am not used to being this open with anyone. It is scary, yet thrilling. I am still scared that someone will find out that I am talking to someone about this, but I know that I need to. And even though I have done a lot of talking, it still helps to get out what I can.

Also at school, I have really cut back with all of the bulling I have been dolling out. I know that some people have become suspicious about my recent behavior. Az has been on my case about it, and I know that the school is talking about it too. I hear the whispers as I walk down the hallways. I see the glances and looks of shock as I ignore people I previously would have threatened.

I haven't talked with Kurt since that day in the bathroom. I don't really see a reason too. Well except to tell him how I feel about him, but that can't happen right now. I know that I am not ready for anything even resembling a relationship, and that Kurt would not be happy to go back into the proverbially closet. I am working on accepting myself, all of me. I want to be happy with the person I see when I look in the mirror. I want to be happy.

But Az and the other guys on the football team are not making it any easier. I just try to make it through the day without causing any trouble. I use Figgins and my parents as excuses as to why I have cut back so severely on the bulling. They are buying it for now but I am not sure how much longer it will keep them off my back.

Since I have been backing off and not cause the trouble that I used to, Azimio has stepped up in my place. The last few weeks have been bad; so bad that a bunch of the Glee guys decided to tell him off and to lay off Kurt. I want to be right there with them but I can't show my true colors just yet. Sam actually hits Az and Az hits him back. Thank goodness that Beiste is there to put an end to it before anything can really happen. I just quietly slip out the door when no one will miss me and head to my hiding spot. It has gotten a lot of use lately. I am often here for lunch and free time I have. I am hoping that I might hear Kurt sing again, but so far I have been unlucky.

That is until I once again find myself trapped in the control box. Quinn and Kurt are on stage again. I can't hear what they are saying as usual until Quinn faces the seats. I quickly duck down, but as I do I hear screaming. I know that its Quinn but I don't know why, so I peak my head up and try to see what is going on. It looks like she is urging Kurt to scream as well.

And he does, but it is so timid that it is almost cute. She just shakes her head and obviously tells him to try again. So he lets it out. He goes beat red in the face, and I think he may almost pass out. He has quite the set of lungs, so the scream goes on for some time. Then he takes a breath and screams again. After he is done they hug and leave the auditorium, leaving me alone again.

I have felt like screaming for so long that watching them only intensified the desire. I step out of the control room and take a quick look around. Then I take a deep breath and scream till I am winded. After I am out of breath I scrabble to get back to the safety of my hiding place so no one will see me again. Quinn was right. It does make you feel better.

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><p>Wednesday afternoon I get on and wait for B4B. When he finally does get on I feel this sense of relief. I know that I can be myself with him not put up this wall.<p>

Bound4Broadway: Hey, how are you doing today?

Guest64: not bad and u?

Bound4Broadway: I am actually really busy right now.

Guest64: Really with what?

Bound4Broadway: Well, my father is getting married on Saturday and I am kind of planning the wedding. So I have been going to school and not really paying attention in classes because all I can think about is the wedding.

Guest64: Oh really.

Bound4Broadway: yeah, so I was wondering if we might be able to reschedule our chat for maybe Sunday?

I am kind of disappointed but I know that life doesn't always go the way we want. Plus he did get on and tell me. He didn't leave me hanging.

Guest64: I think I could do that.

Bound4Broadway: Thank you! I just have so much more to do. And so many things bouncing around in my head.

Guest64: lol its cool dude. Just take a chill pill and relax. You will have to tell me how everything works out. K

Bound4Broadway: Okay. Thank you so much for letting me reschedule. I really have liked talking to you.

Guest64: Ditto. So go on and plan away.

Bound4Broadway: I will and thanks again.

He logs out and I am left alone again. I try to work on some homework, but I can't focus. So I go downstairs to see what my mother is up to.

"Hello sweetie, get your homework done?"

"Uh, not really, I couldn't really focus. I was actually wondering if I could help you with supper."

The look on my mother's face is one of shock, but it quickly morphs into her caring smile. I used to help her in the kitchen all the time. On some occasions I would be the one making the meal. She taught me everything she knows. The last couple of years, I have been trying to hide myself and I know that I haven't been there. But I am trying to get back to who I used to be, or at least a person that I can be happy with.

"That would be lovely David, thank you."

We prepare dinner and make some small talk. She asks me about school and I give the required answers. I can tell that she knows I am not telling her the whole truth, but she doesn't push me. Eventually she turns on some music. As most of her music it is a classic musical, Good Morning, Good Morning from Singing in the Rain. And just like old times, my mom starts singing, and of course I have to join her.

Good mornin',

**Good mornin'!**

**We've talked the whole night through,**

Good mornin'

Good mornin' to you.

Good mornin', good mornin'!

It's great to stay up late,

Good mornin', good mornin' to you.

**When the band began to play**

**The sun was shinin' bright.**

**Now the milkman's on his way,**

**It's too late to say goodnight.**

So, good mornin', good mornin'!

Sunbeams will soon smile through,

Good mornin', good mornin', to you,

And you, and you, and you!

Good morning,

Good morning,

We've gabbed the whole night through.

Good morning, good morning to you.

**Nothin' could be grander than to be in Louisiana**

In the morning,

In the morning,

It's great to stay up late!

Good mornin',

Good mornin' to you.

**It might be just a zippy**

**If you was in Mississipi!**

When we left the movie show

The future wasn't bright

But tame is gone

The show goes on

And I don't wanna say good night

**So say, Good Mornin'!**

Good Mornin'!

Kathy, Don & Cosmo:

Rainbow is shining through

Good Mornin'!

**Good Mornin'!**

Bon Jour!

**Bon Jour!**

Buenos Dias!

**Buenos Dias!**

Buon Giorno!

**Buon Giorno!**

Guten Morgen!

**Guten Morgen!**

Good morning to you.

As we finish the song, we are dancing around the kitchen laughing and just having a wonderful time. This is the way things were, this is the way I want things to be again. But I am not sure it will, not if I come out and tell them my secret. I am worried about things changing around here for the worse if I do. I want to keep this friendship I have with my mother, I want to be able to do these things with her, and share my life with her. I am just scared.

The rest of the night goes by fairly quickly. I stay downstairs after dinner and watch a few old movies with my parents. Although my dad complains about having to watch the older shows, we all know he secretly enjoys them. I miss this. I miss being comfortable with my parents. Figuring things out and accepting myself has become my number one priority, well at least after my grades.

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><p>Guest64: Wow it sounds like everything went off without a hitch.<p>

B4b just got done telling me about his parents wedding. It's amazing how animated he is about the whole thing. Inspiring almost.

Bound4Broadway: Most of it. My new step-brother did a little improv on the speech, but otherwise everything else went according to plan.

Guest64: that's good. Did you have fun?

Bound4Broadway: yeah, I had a really good time. Sorry I kind of monopolized the conversation tonight.

Guest64: Its cool, you had a lot goin on.

Bound4Broadway: What did you do this week?

Guest64: Not much. I have been keeping my head down. Not standing out. I am just trying to blend in.

Bound4Broadway: well don't loose yourself. I know that it can be tempting, but if you do the way back is a lot harder than you think it will be.

Guest64: I will keep that in mind.

Bound4Broadway: Well I guess I better log off now. It is time for bed and my pillow is calling my name.

Guest64: Yeah same here. Well night B4B.

Bound4Broadway: Good night to you too 64.

I log off and sit back in my chair. I do have to remember not to just become one of the masses. If I do that then I will never become comfortable with myself. I have a lot of work on myself. Guess I better start…


End file.
